It should be a joyous moment, an explosive event that I should be anticipating and eagerly counting down the minutes for. To know that He is Returning one day or another should compel me to be in constant Worship-mode.
But I’m not joyful.
In fact, I’m terrified, anxious, and completely lacking in Faith.
…because I am not Right with Him.
Throughout my entire Christian life, there has never been much of a solid Walk, merely hasty skips and a few paces here and there, but never anything steady or constant. And although I am so heartbroken and ashamed to admit this, it is because I am in a sad one-sided love with the world. This dark, pitiful world that has nothing to offer me except for false hopes, unrealistic ambitions, a license to envy others, etc. It does nothing, but hurt me and I still helplessly remain in a dangerous infatuation with it.
It’s one of those relationships that you know you SHOULD avoid and get out of because it’s only depleting your energy and drying out your soul, and yet you can’t take that first Real step because of a) a pathetic ounce of trust that remains, b) you’re too comfortable, and afraid of change, c) you feel that it will estrange you from the rest of the world.
Such a pitiful and obvious issue to resolve to the majority of Christians has been an on-going life Challenge for me. Of course, it is true that all Christians have been in the same battle or are still struggling with it. I’m no extraordinary case.
But I feel that way because my main drive is self-pity.
Many times, I fantasize about how simple things would be if I ended my life right now - I’d be able to avoid the many more impending obstacles that this Life restlessly throws at humanity. That clearly is not the Right solution though.
Sometimes I am too dramatic for my own good, but sometimes I also want people to give me attention.